ARRANGED MARRIAGES. I have been interested in arranged marriages since I was fortunate enough to have a three-hour lunch with some physics students from India when I was in graduate school over forty years ago. One of them had a brother who had spent a lot of time in the United States studying physics. One of the things that came up at the lunch was their astonishment that this brother was entering into an arranged marriage and that the wedding date had been chosen for astrological reasons. They all disapproved. I spent years searching for my wife, and I know how difficult the search was and how lucky I was. How can finding a wife be done any other way? There is a fascinating article in this month’s Marie Claire by Anjali Mansukhani describing how her arranged marriage came about. Her parents conducted endless auditions before short listing a Wall Street banker. There was an informal first (!) meeting between the families, including the future bride and groom. At the second meeting, both parents made the decision. The mothers called a week later to conclude the engagement. The bride describes the period after the marriage when they got to know each other as “just like dating, only we were already married.” They are very happy together living in New York.
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This story is completely ridiculous. She was offered many suitors until choosing the one from America. At the same time, it’s not like there is a shortage of Indian women in NYC. Why did her husband have to import a bride all the way from India? Why couldn’t he fine a nice woman in NYC? I’ll tell you why. Indian men living in the US are all hypocrites. They have no problem sleeping around with all types of women, white or sometimes Indian. But when they get married (after sowing their oats), they have to go to India to get a nice virginal girl.
Of course the girl’s parent’s are so grateful to find a guy from America, they’ll pay top dollar in dowry. Of course it’s illegal in India to still give dowry. But her parents got by it. I don’t doubt they made sure to give the guy and his family jewelry and nice gifts. In essence, this man went all the way to India to find a good, traditional Indian girl. He got some valuable gifts out of it, too. Most parents of Indian girls in the US aren’t going to give a “dowry”. In America, Indian women can take care of themselves.
On a sidenote, this man must have received a lot of “dowry” to take this woman off her parent’s hands. It’s not like she has her beauty to fall back on.
This story is not romantic in any way. Nor does it give us a new perspective on marriage. It’s a ridiculous story written by a woman attempting to romanticize her existance. She was bought. That’s why fathers give dowrys. By importing an Indian bride, this man guaranteed he would have a virgin as a wife.
Instead of focucing on this silly woman’s pretend story about her happy marriage, let’s focus on why Indian men in America have to import Indian brides. What does this say about these men? What about all the Indian women living in America? What are our options? If all these Indian men are importing brides, what Indian men are left for us to marry?
Indian men living in America are spoiled, petulant children. Their mothers raised them that way. This is what happens when you have a patriarchal society that doesn’t respect women. We can be bought and sold by the highest bidder. What hope will there be for our daughters?
This is something I’m very ignorant about, so I was interested to see this response. Your arguments are very logical – albeit, very emotionally charged and probably rightfully so. I would, however, answer your questions “What about all the Indian women living in America? What are our options?” by saying – marry a non-Indian would seem to be the most obvious option.
Nick,
Your answer is quite logical. But as the author’s husband believes, it may be best to choose to share your life with someone who shares your background. In their case, all they have in common is the fact that they are Indian. He was raised here, she was raised there. What do they have that’s similar enough to base a life on?
Maybe some Indian women want Indian husbands. But I doubt it’s as easy for an Indian woman to import an Indian husband from India. And I don’t want to marry an Indian man from India. I want someone raised here like me. Someone who understands how I grew up. Someone who understands how it is to be an Indian in America. Someone who knows how it is to spend their day at work or school being American, speaking English, but coming home and being Indian, speaking Hindi and eating dal and chapattis.
This is the response I was expecting, and it’s perfectly valid. It makes sense to want someone who has shared your experiences, and if you want that in a person there’s nothing I can say to criticize or negate that.
I will say that I find ethnicity and race are overrated as indicators of character, particularly if you’ve been raised in the same country. If the dual identity is that important to you, absolutely that’s a problem. But perhaps the dual identity isn’t as big of a person’s makeup as it would seem. After all, I know how to eat – I’m sure I could learn how to eat dal and chapattis.
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