BAD MOTHERS. In the story of the girl who lived in the storage shed in today’s post, the article seems to suggest that it was the girl’s mother who was responsible for much of the deprivation and cruelty, I was at a dinner party of six people in New York City a couple years ago, and one of the men pointed out that of the six of us, three had wonderful mothers and three had mothers who were monstrously cruel. We have several friends who have liked the musical of GRAY GARDENS, so Mary Jane finally watched the original documentary, which she found very good. I saw a little bit of the mother celebrating how her daughter, whose life she was blighting, was much less successful than the mother, and I couldn’t watch any more. I know six is a small sample, but I think the mother who destroys her child is more common than we like to think.
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I was introduced to the concept of a bad mother when I was very little, but some people have trouble believing that bad mothers and grandmothers can exist. They do, and I agree with you that they exist far more often than we like to think. Three–no, four–of the most difficult girls I have ever met had toxic mothers, to varying degrees. Come to think of it, I haven’t heard any males complain about having a toxic mother. Maybe damaged mothers tend to treat their sons better than daughters, or maybe the sons take their mother’s flawed parenting in stride. Hmm. I wonder what the excellent Deborah Tannen would have to say about this.
It’s funny you mention toxic mothers treating sons better, because my deranged old hag of a grandmother (on my mom’s side) would fawn over “the boys” while giving mom and her youngest sister hell.
I don’t know if it’s healthy for a daughter of a toxic mother to find a way to forgive her. I know forgiveness is touted as a benefit to the one who forgives and “lets go of her bitterness.” But if you forgive, are you ratifying the behavior. “Oh, I survived it. It couldn’t have been that bad. Besides, she didn’t know any better.” People who don’t know any better are monsters.